- A story from one of our Why Not presenters
“When I was in high school, I started to date my brother’s friend. I had never been in a serious relationship before, so it was all new and exciting. I had expectations that he would sweep me off my feet, give me sweet sentimental gifts to show his affection for me, talk to me whenever possible, and talk all the time about future plans together. At first it really was that way! But as our relationship continued I noticed as I was talking more about the future and our lives together, he started to pull away. First, he would make plans to hang with others instead of me, wasn’t physically affectionate as usual, and stopped using the ‘I love you’s’. This in return made me more clingy and affectionate towards him, wanting to earn his love. Looking back, I think that continued to push him away. Instead of us being honest with our expectations and what we were both really feeling, we just didn’t talk about things and that led to unmet expectations in our relationship, which then led to an abrupt breakup.
“Being completely heartbroken that I had not only had my first breakup, I also felt like I lost my best friend. Without realizing it at first, I immediately wanted to fill that loss that I felt. So I ended up jumping into another relationship, determined as ever to make this one work, for this guy to hopefully be the last person I’d ever date. Instead of my new boyfriend and me being just friends first, we started dating pretty early on. Looking back, I believe this created the beginnings of an unhealthy relationship. I didn’t get to know him as a person and how he acted around other people and me. I started to notice that he would question everything that I said and did, what I wore, and how I spent my time. At first I thought it was a general and sincere concern, that he was trying to get to know me. But it dangerously became a very controlling relationship. I didn’t notice it at first because I cared for him, not until my dad pointed out those red flags to me. My dad reminded me that I am valued and loved and I shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t see my value and worth. As hard as it was, I ended up breaking up with him. But… soon after, I felt guilty for breaking up with him, and because of how emotionally abusive that relationship was, it made me question my decisions. So I tried to get back together with him. But long story short it didn’t work out, because I remembered my worth and stuck to the decisions I had made and knew to be true.
“Now I was left to feel broken all over again. This made me feel like both those guys never really valued and cared for me, that I had nothing good to offer. I went to counseling to deal with those feelings and lies that I had. I wanted to be a healthier, whole version of myself in my next future relationship.
“After counseling and starting to deal with those feelings, a friend that I knew from middle school showed interest in me while we were at college. We had so much in common, had similar backgrounds and were friends first. This was the start of a healthy relationship, the start of my forever love story. He is now my husband.
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to think back on the first two relationships, wishing that I had only dated my childhood friend (now husband) from the very beginning, so that I could have avoided all that pain and heartache. But, I have come to realize that if I hadn’t gone through those other relationships, I wouldn’t have realized my true worth and value as a person, learned to speak up for myself, and recognized what kind of person I wanted to marry.
“If you are in a relationship, I would encourage you to evaluate where you are at. Is that person right for you? Do they treat you right? Do they respect you? Do they value your worth as a person?
“Whether you are in a relationship or not, you have value and worth regardless!”